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New to all this, not sure how it goes but I got what has to

[125]

New to all this, not sure how it goes but I got what has to be the worst breakup in my life from a woman that I truly loved. She "changed" quickly and the ghosted me. I mean completely. Over the soan of one week she went from talking about us buying a house to distant, to not able to kiss me, to not talking to me at all. I gave the opportunity 3 times to end it but giving me back things I left there. No response. After 4 months of this I discovered that this was really about someone else she met. This was 2 year relationship that showed some narcissistic signs ( she was always reading about it and on Youtibe about it.) I would like to takk about some specific things that happened as I am confused and yeah, pretty deeply wounded too

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[5365]
Dec 4

@TheIbis What you have described is very very common. With narcissists, there is a honeymoon phase in which everything is great and they are essentially trying to suck you in. At some point, the honeymoon phase peaks and at that point, they find ways to make you the enemy and they begin the next phase which is the devaluation phase. Often, and in my own experience, the devaluation may begin after some sort of significant event - marriage, birth of a child, buying a house, an illness, job change, etc. After a period of devaluation, many narcissists (although not all) will then discard their partner. This is exactly what you have gone through.

It's also VERY common to have issues with them after a split. They commonly keep their partners personal belongings and/or make it difficult to get them back. They want the control and they want the attention. She almost certainly enjoyed toying with you and ignoring you about your stuff.....because she knew it was making you think about her which gives her power. They love that. They often want to keep us within some sort of reach, so if they ever have any use for us or if they want attention/drama, they can get it from us. They need attention and they live to get reactions from people....good or bad, it doesn't matter. They need to stir conflict.

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[80]
Dec 4

@CL061 Thanks you so much for your input. I have to sat I am still saddened and little shocked that she indeed turned out this way, The honeymoon period really was close to two years. I will qualify by saying that we never lived together and our routine because we both have busy schedules was weekends and usually Wednesday to be together. We did text a lot during the workdays and talked on the phone daily. So after two years I just didn't think this would happen. Also she was always watching videos about narcissism and is very aware of all the tactics. So for her to be one and act it out too, shocks me still. As far as a trigger event to devalue, I can not point to an event but there was a definite turn from her and was when she a list of things she wanted to discuss when I was sick and just found out I need abdominal surgery and we thought my mom was going to die. That's the backdrop for her complaints and a complete change from her. She complained to me about not paying her back soon enough for the supplies she got me while I has home with pneumonia. Yeah, really. She also complained that I took he on a cruise and paid for all except about 130 she got on her account that I do not know would happen. She was condescending about that to the point . You see the attitude, I never saw that fort two years until about 4 months before she what turned out be , cheated on me and ghosted me. The end game is after I confirmed that she did cheat I was very brutal to her in what I texted her and she did read all of it. I told her she betrayed me, she was not worthy of me or love because she didn't respect either. I told her she went from a woman I would have done anything for to disgusting me. I told her I finally knew what she is and that the girl I loved was a fraud. All hat and she dint block me ye, That finally happened after I the cops there at 7am on a Sunday waking her and lover bot up to tell them I was there looking for my things. She of course had the right to refuse and did but that was not the goal anyway. She told the cop to tell me not to contact her again. I ignored that and did the next day to tell her again she betrayed me but I was not going to seek vengeance and she would have to live with taking things I left there to help her out and that I was disillusioned by her. Well the truth was enough and she blocked right after I did her too.

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[80]
Dec 4

Have to say I am seeing now the damage she did to me, my feelings, emotions, missing the girl I thought I had, ruminating sometimes because she ghosted. It creeps up on you and now I see it's pretty extensive, I am going day to day and trying to do things comforting and force my mind to think on other things that are redeeming

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